Flipping over in bed and burying your face under a pillow to hide the sobs that will wrack your body after you’ve given up smothering after the first three minutes for the millionth time because your chest started heaving and your throat exploding eyes bursting breath releasing itself in a scream.
And living in the interminable silence of the night where nothing living can disturb you and all the swirling ghosts of the past present and future can emerge from the closets and gaps under the bed and behind-the-curtains to laugh demonically and chant and chill you with their hot cold hot presence of fear, anguish, shame.
And living till your eyes burn behind the eyeballs and cracked red lines appear, your limbs slow down and move in slow motion, and your head feels as if the heaviest book of your sins is resting atop it, weighing it down and down and down and down until the hammers start up in your temples trying to push it off by banging on your insides. Heavy drumming and your thoughts lift and wander into a dreamscape of mixed personalities, situations, and occasions, until your best friend from college is wandering into a gathering of the socialites and perhaps a dinosaur appears, or a wizard, or perhaps even your tutor to address this new lot and turn them into brilliance – because everyone can be turned into brilliance except you, who apparently are the epitome already.
Heavy drumming and the dreamscape lifts and shifts and bends and swirls around with ghosts who silently push their way through porous blurry boundaries and begin to float through worlds of possibility – in order to taint it with the dark mark of improbability and despair. Until dreamscape turns to fully-fledged unconscious dreamland haunting nightmare which forces you to open your mouth against the smothering and scream, scream, scream and then shudder into wakefulness and gasp, gasp, gasp as you tread the line between states of conscious being and struggle to recall which one this is – and, remembering – wonder which one could possibly be preferable.